JESUS DANCING CHRIST.

Click on Jesus to see what he's really capable of.

Thanks to Chris, my favorite person in Egypt, for making this available for me to dream about.

Also, MC Taylor is my hero.

NEWS: Whiny Bitch Scrapes Knee

This whiny bitch fell down today because he was not able to stand up for himself against a bully. His 19 year old mother laughed, and proceeded to hit on the father of the bully. Someone needs to tell this bitch to quit crying and act like a man. The bully is currently on the top of the slide with two sluts about to learn about LIFE.

Totally Poor

I can drink where? COOL!

"No officer, you are wrong as per the WetNDry amendment to the statute"

I don't even know what that means. I haven't watched Law & Order in a long time and I'm tired.

"That's: THE WONDERS"

"You guys look great in red, have I told you that?"

Old News: Prostitute Snorted Cocaine Off Infant's Stomach While Breastfeeding

I made this picture two years ago when the story was still relevant.

From FoxNews.com:

"While Cook's children were in the car with her, she performed sex acts on at least two men for money, smoked crack cocaine in the car and even snorted cocaine off the infant's stomach while she was breastfeeding, Kilcullen said."

Correction: this story will always be relevant. What this woman accomplished is nothing short of a contortionist miracle. I have been borrowing babies to try this, but to no avail. They're squishy and they smell like shit.

Read the short, but full article here.

The Solution to Africa's Food Crisis: Fondufrica

Fondue feeds EVERYONE.

DENNIS QUAID: A BIG DOUCHE.

This guy tried to get in front of me in line at Starbucks before work one day. He was wearing sunglasses and a hat so I had no idea who he was, not that it would've made a difference pre-caffeine.

Me: I think the line you are looking for starts back there.
DQ: Uhh... *walks to the bar, where the barista tells him the same thing*
Me: RANDY QUAID IS BETTER.

Most of that actually happened.

Also his wife looks like a barbie on speed.

God Bless Texas

This photo was actually taken by me while hanging out of my car while driving. I am very talented. I heard of this man on a horse in east Austin, TX (aka, THE GHETTO back then. Now it's a little gentrified. The horse is still rare.) and immediately got in the car to verify the story.

Sure enough, on e. 12th and Chicon I found my very own Urban Cowboy. He is sporting a can of Arizona Watermelon Tea. As racist as it sounds, it is totally true and I love my life.

Speaking of (Dated) Politics

This is dated, but I don't care. Do you remember when that guy got tazed? "DON'T TAZE ME BRO" just fascinated me to no end.

This picture is kind of like "Kids Say the Darndest Things" but like with adults on crack.

My fren

SOMEBODY GET RYAN SEACREST OUT FROM UNDER MY DAMN DESK.

Look, Ma. The internet!

I have the internet again. Maybe I'll start neglecting to post here again because of it. In the mean time, I'm going to upload dumb photoshop (or MS Paint?) pictures that I have done in the past, just for my own shits and giggles, or just pictures that I found and totally stole because I thought they were awesome.

More meaningful posts to come when I am up to the challenge of using my brain.

Now, two Colons:

If you're having trouble reading that sign on the giant walk through inflatable colon, it says "It's what's on the INSIDE that counts"

Love,
BBBB

Joe Strummer? More like Joe BUMMER.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Allow me to introduce you to the much overlooked hot member of The Clash.

Meet: Paul Simonon.

*Note, not Paul Simon.

Holy shit, I'm gonna need a dryer.

Where Exactly is Hidden Valley Ranch?

We've employed a team of deep sea researchers to find out the age old question, where does my ranch come from? (Turns out, it isn't in the sea, but they were all we could afford.) Here's what they found out:

Hidden Valley Ranch pockmarks the tourist landscape, promising to show Nature and Physics gone berserk. Hidden Valley Ranch offers an amazingly similar menu of wall-walking, seat-balancing, body-shrinking and -growing tricks; most are placed suspiciously near interstate interchanges and bloated tourist meccas.

The drama of the unexplained is best conveyed by an old codger, wise to government coverups and the shifty vagaries of science. Listening to the ravings of the expert at the Hidden Valley Ranch is half the fun. Unfortunately, many Hidden Valley Ranches fail this crucial test, employing 14-year-olds to convince skeptical summer visitors of their Hidden Valley Ranch veracity. "Scientists think it's caused by the 'igmmeous' rock in the hill, I think. . . " offered one bored, gum-clicking expert.

Tennis balls really do seem to roll uphill here, brooms really do stand on end.

After subjecting many spots to rigorous, very scientific tests, our Hidden Valley Ranch test kit indicates that the Hidden Valley RanchVortex is the most disturbed.

What causes the mysterious goings-on here? No one knows.

One theory is that a great beam of "high velocity soft electrons" exits the earth through the Hidden Valley Ranch vortex. Another claims that a giant underground device produces the weird effects.

Skeptics usually write off the effects observed in Hidden Valley Ranch as nothing more than optical illusions manipulated to mysteriously lighten the wallets of tourists. But when was the last time you enjoyed a vacation accompanied by a skeptic?

For the true believers, there's always a new scientific theory on the gift shop shelves, explaining how TIME speeds up and S-S-L-L-O-W-W-W-W-S-S-S down in a Hidden Valley Ranch, depending on where you stand and when.

A broom stands on end at the Hidden Valley Ranch in Blowing Rock, North Carolina.

One man who apparently knew the secret of the Hidden Valley Ranch - John Litster -- studied its effects first-hand for more than forty years. He even corresponded with Einstein on the subject. What he uncovered no one will ever know, for he burned all his notes before his death.

"The world isn't yet ready for what goes on here," he warned.

THIS JUST IN: QUEEF WEDGER FOUND DEAD

Star of Batman RETURNS - FOREVER - BATMAN AND ROBIN - CATWOMAN - BEGINS - THE DARK KNIGHT and eventual Oscar Winner, Keath Wedger died of an apparent drug overdose almost one and a half years ago. This shocks and saddens us here at the 4 bees. We had no idea.

A Dark Knight's Tale, indeed