Where Exactly is Hidden Valley Ranch?

We've employed a team of deep sea researchers to find out the age old question, where does my ranch come from? (Turns out, it isn't in the sea, but they were all we could afford.) Here's what they found out:

Hidden Valley Ranch pockmarks the tourist landscape, promising to show Nature and Physics gone berserk. Hidden Valley Ranch offers an amazingly similar menu of wall-walking, seat-balancing, body-shrinking and -growing tricks; most are placed suspiciously near interstate interchanges and bloated tourist meccas.

The drama of the unexplained is best conveyed by an old codger, wise to government coverups and the shifty vagaries of science. Listening to the ravings of the expert at the Hidden Valley Ranch is half the fun. Unfortunately, many Hidden Valley Ranches fail this crucial test, employing 14-year-olds to convince skeptical summer visitors of their Hidden Valley Ranch veracity. "Scientists think it's caused by the 'igmmeous' rock in the hill, I think. . . " offered one bored, gum-clicking expert.

Tennis balls really do seem to roll uphill here, brooms really do stand on end.

After subjecting many spots to rigorous, very scientific tests, our Hidden Valley Ranch test kit indicates that the Hidden Valley RanchVortex is the most disturbed.

What causes the mysterious goings-on here? No one knows.

One theory is that a great beam of "high velocity soft electrons" exits the earth through the Hidden Valley Ranch vortex. Another claims that a giant underground device produces the weird effects.

Skeptics usually write off the effects observed in Hidden Valley Ranch as nothing more than optical illusions manipulated to mysteriously lighten the wallets of tourists. But when was the last time you enjoyed a vacation accompanied by a skeptic?

For the true believers, there's always a new scientific theory on the gift shop shelves, explaining how TIME speeds up and S-S-L-L-O-W-W-W-W-S-S-S down in a Hidden Valley Ranch, depending on where you stand and when.

A broom stands on end at the Hidden Valley Ranch in Blowing Rock, North Carolina.

One man who apparently knew the secret of the Hidden Valley Ranch - John Litster -- studied its effects first-hand for more than forty years. He even corresponded with Einstein on the subject. What he uncovered no one will ever know, for he burned all his notes before his death.

"The world isn't yet ready for what goes on here," he warned.