My Mom Will Make Millions

That's right. It's finally time for my mom's winning lottery ticket.

Why?

While I was visiting for the Christmas Holiday, I noticed a nice little secret in her bathroom. My step dad had just had surgery on his foot, and they had antiseptic wash in there, but not just any kind, a kind that said one of it's uses was: "KILLS VIRUSES LIKE H.I.V. AND HEPATITIS A."

Whoa! I almost lost my balance in the shower. Amazing. Now, since I didn't have my camera or my phone on me and couldn't take a picture - I thought making this post would be lost on everyone. However, I applied a bit of "DIY BLOGGING" know how and came up with a pretty good recreation:

Really. No lie. Straight from memory recreation. However, it might as well have looked like this:

Happy holidays, from someone who's prettier and worse at photoshop than you.

fun sh!t : stalking opp.

"Ey! Sophisticate! "

Places you'll find me, doing cool things - this weekend in the lonestar state:

Friday:
freeshow!freeshow!freeshow! @ The Mohawk w/SONS OF HERCULES, Jungle Rockers, Shapes Have Fangs*, and DJ Hooker.

If you don't know about SoH, you should check out Shannon McGarvey's preview here.

Also on Friday...
A Show that costs $, but probably not a lot - 8pm start! - @ Beerland w/Total Faggots**, Mack Hardman, Lick Lick**, Good Times Crisis Band, dumb, New Sensational Brownies

A Show that costs $, but probably not a lot - BYOBottle! @ Trophy's w/The Blind Pets, Titty Babies**, The Seas, Manager's Choice

Saturday:
A Show that costs $, but probably not a lot - @ Beerland w/The Mirrors [with Greg Ashley], Black Black Gold, Strange Boys oops! They're still on a Midwest/East Coast tour!, Bad Rackets, and my sources tell me the Golden Boys are going to make an appearance as well.

Sunday:

!! RSVP ONLY !! @ the Parish - get there early - SLICKmothafuckinRICK!

RSVP closes at 5pm on 12/16 so hurry and sign up, and get there early to wait in line with the rest of the suckers. I mean, us.


Also going on all three days this weekend, Texas Gone Garage Fest, featuring bands from like The Teeners, The Ape Shits, Alright Tonight, Amplified Heat from Austin, Denton dudes the Pumpers and the Marked Men ('ey!...sophisticate! this will not leave my head) and if you miss the mirrors here on Saturday, they're playing Sunday at this fest. You can check the full line up and whore-ish poster here. PS - this is in HOUSTON.

* Bad, bad band name.
**Nice.

'Ho' Foods

I may just be speaking for Austinites in this one - but Whole Foods is a big deal now, so maybe not.

Ever take a moment while shopping for your special South African Chile paste [??] at your local Whole Foods and notice that 90% of the employees have great symmetry? In other words, why are there so many attractive Whole Foods employees?

The first time I ever walked into a Whole Foods, it was the brand-new and giant HQ in Austin with shopping cart escalators and an ice skating rink on the roof (only in the winter.) I almost had a coronary when I saw this guy:

(Ian Curtis, anyone?)

Then I realized he was dating....her...:



It's like a whole new breed of Human. Run for your lives. Meet you at the Dr. Bronner's factory.

I Have to Pee

In light of the (very true) subject - I'll make this short and sweet.

Correct me if I'm wrong, or don't, but I do believe that very recently the internet knocked Newspapers out of the top three forms of Mass Media.

That means that at this very moment there could be more people getting their news from Perezhilton.com rather than the New York Times print edition. Good riddance, newspapers! I don't need to know about world policies when I could see what type of over-priced garment is covering Kim Kardashians' unusually large ass.

That being said, this was just created to further disgrace the real media with thoughtless posts and mental trash that has transcended Myspace bulletins and school book-graffiti.